…is what I find birthdays. Everyone gathers and sends their best for your birthday and it’s all to distract you from the fact that you’re celebrating being 1 year closer to the end of your life. Hardly seems like something to celebrate about. How’s the saying go though? If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. HAHA.

To reach complete control, you must not allow your instincts to percieve the environment, but instead force your own thoughts upon the environment. Through this, there is nothing beyond your grasp.

It’s just as much a curse as a gift. There’s a heavy price to pay but I’m more than happy to pay it, because I can take it. No matter how far I fall, I’m always centered, always focused, always aware, always…alive.

I’m a picky eater. I’m a picky buyer. I’m generally just a picky person.

When it comes to girls my pickiness is delegated to whicever ones are okay with talking to me, which is surprisingly few. I should rephrase that. My pickiness depends on what girls initiate conversation with me, and there hasn’t been many. 

You see, I’m picky when it comes to speaking. If I had my way I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone I didn’t know, or at least be the one to start the conversation. This is from years of shutting myself off from proper human interaction and secluding myself from people at every turn. It has become a habit, though it feels more like a gimp. 

When someone knows my name that has never actually spoken with me, I’m often in legitimate shock, particularly when it is a girl. 

We all have a image of ourselves that we believe other people see us as. Mine is the kid who never speaks and always sits in the corner. Sounds really approachable, huh?

It’s no better when I complain about Facebook or act “out of character.” Whenever I fall out of contact with someone I feel as though I’m letting them down, and whenever I do or say something that doesn’t feel right, I feel as though I’m acting like an ass just by betraying this identity I’ve wedged myself into.

Now I’m not a terribly deep person. I hide most of my emotions because that’s what I’ve always done. I try and justify most of my actions or situations because I don’t know how to act. I’ve never had enough experience in these things to know what to do or how to behave and again, I feel that because of my lack of knowledge, I’m letting this other person down again.

So I steer clear of the girls I like, the girls I’m interested in getting to know better and who knows, maybe ask them out at one point, and it’s all because I feel that I’m not good enough. That’s fucking pathetic.

I keep hearing one thing girls look for in a guy is confidence. This doesn’t help with my severe lack thereof.

I also hear, “be yourself.” This is a funny one, because if I’m to be “myself” I have to be everything that I pointed out above and that has repeatedly yielded failing results. 

So my outlook is: damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

So what would I look for in a girl, if I had the opportunity to come up with a “dream girl?” I’d have to say…talkative, outgoing, independent, and most of all…unafraid of pushing me into an awkward situation, because there’s no way I’d push myself in. Would I like this “dream girl” to be attractive? Wouldn’t everyone? Would I like her to put up with my shit? Yes, but only provided I’m willing to put up with hers.

I’m also rational enough to realize that my “dream girl” probably doesn’t exist. Or if she does I’ll never meet her because I’ll never summon the courage to speak up.

So is this a rant, is this a confession, is this a desperate plea for a girlfriend? You can think whatever you want, you’ll probably be right no matter what you decide on. 

…I forgot I had a tumblr.

So I’ve been told by my one of my followers, okay, my only follower, also known as probably the only person who will read this…maybe. Anyway, he told me I should reblog stuff and that’s how I get more followers and I was like…

Nope.

Chances are he’ll reblog this and people will see it and be all like…

Who the hell cares?

So here’s a picture of a fucking zebra:

Not sure when I began this but all I know is in the end, I’m quite proud of it. Anyway, I was playing Minecraft with a friend (Black Panther) and while we were exploring a seemingly endless cavern system we got seperated and and he had to go do something. 

I got the bright idea to mess with him a bit by making Stone out of regular Cobblestone and building a small hut in the cave. When he returned I “found” it and called him over. Shortly afterwards, I carved his initials into the floor of another cave to add to the mystery. 

It wasn’t until a few days later that I got another great opportunity to do it again. This time I took it a step further, designing a hidden grave marked with his name, even placing a chest underneath. I acted as though yet again, I hadn’t expected it and was appropriately freaked out. 

I continued this with other acts of mischief like creating a grave for myself, carving my name in the sand, making a grave for another friend (The Hair Guy) and marking my own initials as well. Then I discovered an incredible way to make it seem completely believable.

The Xbox 360 is not open to mods or “cheating” as some may call it. However, I learned that an Inventory Editor existed for Minecraft 360 Saves and so I used it to its full potential to alter my own world with startling messages and creations, like a tunnel filled with Diamond Ore and a massive lava-fall. 

But the coup de grâce was the the boss. The challenging and risky nature of modding inventories made this part a real pain, but it was worth it. I wanted to end the charade but I knew I couldn’t do it in some boring fashion. So, I did the best I could do and created a massive canyon of lava with a dark, monster-filled cove on the other side. In the valley there waited a monument in the shape of Death and another message. We destroyed Death as the “final boss” of the adventure I had been stringing my friends along. 

I then showed them the chest of leftover materials with a sign admitting that it was all me. Though there are aspects I would have liked to improve, I did my best given certain circumstances. For example, I had a boss world made with traps riddled along a large, barren battlefield. Mob spawners a plenty, objectives and redstone wired up to boot. Then it got corrupted multiple times and I had to abandon that world, throwing together another in its place.

There’s just one thing that bothers me. While showing all the places to a third friend (Kalmo) we found a chest with some gunpowder in the hut I had started the whole thing with.

I never put that there.